In honor of November as National Life Writing Month (a.k.a., Memoir Writing Month).
Last week I vented about Mom's demand of me following her recent hospital stay. In this post, I wanted to share an uncomfortable discussion I had with a doctor. (This is a lengthy vent post.)
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
Addressing Mom's Demands
After speaking with a couple important people in my life, I decided to address Mom's demand prior to her follow-up appointment. My goal was to remind Mom of the conversation and offer two choices.
First choice: I would drive Mom to her appointment and sit with her in the waiting room, but I will remain in the waiting room since I know I will not keep my mouth shut when she omitted information or lied to the doctor about her health.
Second choice: I would drive Mom to her appointment, sit with her in the waiting room, and escort her to her appointment, but I would speak up when she omitted information or lied to the doctor about her health.
Before leaving Mom's house to head to the hospital, I brought up her demands to "shut up." Can you guess what Mom said after I addressed her demands from the previous week? Mom said that she did not remember telling me to shut up.
I was shocked because she lectured me about keeping my mouth shut multiple times the previous week. But also, I was not entirely surprised because Mom's inability to remember things she deems trivial, unimportant, or negative. She tends to "forget" things.
After I explained her demands in detail, she shrugged and claimed she did not remember telling me that. I asked if she agreed with anything I mentioned. Mom said yes, and then proceeded to tell me that she wishes I shut up but knew that I am too stubborn to do what she wanted of me.
I presented Mom with the two options. She thought about it for a moment and chose the second option. She needed me there to listen carefully in case she did not understand something the doctor discusses.
As she told me during her hospitalization in January, Mom essentially said, "Why do I have to listen to what the nurse/doctor says when you're there to listen for me?"
An Uncomfortable Discussion
The follow-up appointment went well. Mom attempted to omit information or lie about how she felt, but I spoke up and she confirmed my words when the doctor verified it with her. Without giving away sensitive details, the doctor said Mom should continue with life as usual. No changes were necessary.
He stepped away to speak with a senior doctor about a question Mom had. He returned with the senior doctor, an older man not that much younger than Mom. He greeted us and answered Mom's question.
The senior doctor then turned to me and explained that he reviewed Mom's vitals upon her release from the ICU the prior week. Her vitals were unnaturally high. Normally, patients would have stayed longer until their vitals were stabilized.
The remaining five or ten minutes of Mom's follow-up appointment are a blur. In short, the senior doctor urged me to be prepared for Mom's end-of-life (NOT end-of-life-care).
He told me not to be surprised if Mom collapsed or never woke from a nap within the next few months. I needed to be prepared to make the decision about life support. I needed to be prepared for funeral arrangements. All within the next few months.
He said he was not sure Mom would see the new year. He was not convinced that any changes she made now, assuming she wanted to make changes regarding her health, would make any difference in the longevity of her life. He said I should make sure my medical power of attorney was good-to-go.
This was an uncomfortable conversation I had with healthcare professionals during her hospitalization last January. Unfortunately, this conversation was not emotionally easier to have for the second time within a year (also the third time within ten years).
My Feelings about the Appointment
I felt guilty when we left the appointment. If I kept my mouth shut as Mom demanded, the senior doctor would not have turned his attention to me to discuss having an end-of-life plan in place. It was my fault that the topic arose, and attention was directed to me instead of remaining solely on Mom.
A few days later, I recounted the discussion with a friend. She asked if it was a scare tactic to encourage Mom to make positive changes regarding her health. I initially said no, but I now think that my friend was right.
During a late lunch following the appointment, I asked Mom about her thoughts. She said she did not believe the senior doctor because his badge said, "Red Cross Volunteer." Mom explained that she did not believe he was a real doctor, or that he was a retired doctor who did not know what he was talking about, so she advised me to ignore everything he said.
After a while, she told me that she was going to prove the doctors wrong and live longer than they all expected. She was going to make changes to her diet and lifestyle to improve her health.
Mom was serious.
A few days after her follow-up appointment, she informed me that she completed an interview for in-home nursing care, something she once told me that she would never do. She was waiting on a visitation schedule where a nurse (or two?) would monitor her vitals, administer medications including insulin shots as needed, and guide her through physical therapy.
I am sad about the conversation I had with the doctor, but I am grateful that Mom is FINALLY focusing on her health and well-being! I also need to apologize to my friend and share this positive update with her. I guess it is easier for someone other than me to see things as they really are.
What's Next?
If you need to vent and have nobody to talk to, consider writing about your feelings in honor of National Life Writing Month. Sometimes, writing about your feelings helps with minimizing negative emotions. It works for me, and I am hopeful that it will work for you, too.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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