Her message meant more to me than she knows.
My niece left me a surprise that, unbeknownst to her, provided me the emotional boost I needed.
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A Touching Surprise
Last week, I visited my Mom for her seventy-sixth birthday. I went with the mindset that it was her special day and week. My focus was on her happiness and well-being.
When I walked into my old childhood bedroom, I was surprised to see the following items on my bed:
Large plush animal
Coffee mug
Bullet journal with pen
My niece gifted these items to me for Mother's Day. I did not expect to receive anything, especially since I am childless, but was pleasantly surprised to see how much she cared about me.
She wrote a heartfelt message in the journal that read,
"To a PAWESOME DOG MOM,
"You inspire me, as a fellow dog mom, by showing me the unconditional love you have for [your] fur babies and how much you care for them as if they were your own blood.
"Thank you for being the inspirational fur mom that you are. I know that they're extremely grateful to have you as a Mom..."
Although I went to my Mom's house with the mindset of making my time there all about her, I felt exceptionally loved and spoiled, mostly because of my niece's heartfelt message. The message was a touching surprise.
Feeling Down
I was happy to spend my Mom's birthday with her. I looked forward to making sure her birthday week was a joyous occasion. After her several health scares last year, I am grateful she is around to enjoy her life.
However, my Dad was the only family member who knew how much I have struggled emotionally lately. In fact, I try to hide my sadness from him, but I would not be surprised if he knew.
I have suffered with depression since my teenage years, but I never admitted to it until a doctor confronted me about it five years ago. I simply went through life believing constant sadness, guilt, and regret were normal.
If my friends or former colleagues are reading and curious, my emotional instability was a major factor for me quitting work. The antidepressants I was prescribed had a negative impact on my health, and I began thinking about suicide for the first time in my life. It did not take long for me to get off the meds and for the suicidal thoughts to go away.
For nearly sixteen years, I never felt that I needed to take anti-depressants thanks to my dogs. My dogs were with me through the best and worst days of my life.
My dogs never belittled or bullied me. They never told me that I was a failure or disappointment. They never told me to change the way I acted or looked to satisfy others. They never got mad if I made mistakes in life. They never told me I would never be loved.
My dogs always loved me for who I am. They made me feel whole despite not being in a loving relationship or having children of my own to care for. Yes, I had days when I was sad, but they made me happy.
Unfortunately, I struggled to manage my emotional state after my first dog, Shadow, passed away last November. He was the driving force for every positive change in my adult life.
Although his passing was not unexpected at his old age, I felt responsible. I regretted many of the choices I made on his last day and felt guilty for how, where, and when he passed.
Since then, I frequently second guessed my actions and worried that I am doing everything poorly or incorrectly. It does not help that I am a pessimist with low self-esteem. I always feel like something will go wrong, and it will somehow be my fault when it does.
When it comes to my dogs, I worry that I am not providing them with the best care they deserve. Rascal and Lucy's strained relationship, which I will write about one day, makes it impossible for me to believe that I am doing anything right.
Overall, I felt like a horrible dog owner and terrible person.
A Sense of Happiness
The words my niece chose to use in her message lifted my spirits. She did not know how sad I felt or how little I thought of myself at the time. She did not know how her words would ease the emotional pain I hid from the family.
To be referred to as an "inspirational fur mom" made me believe that I was a good dog owner for doing my best. Heck! It made me feel like a good aunt.
Her message reminded me that although I am hard on myself, not everyone saw me as a failure and disappointment. It also reminded me that my dogs love me unconditionally despite how I feel about myself.
I am grateful for everything my niece gave me for Mother's Day, but my favorite gift from the bunch was the thoughtful message she wrote. It provided the emotional boost I needed. If life were a video game, my Happiness and Stamina bars were filled that day.
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Simply Jelly Jam
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