My self-esteem was low for years.
While it is not uncommon for people to develop premature gray hairs, premature graying as a preteen made me feel insecure with low self-esteem for years.
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
What Is Premature Gray Hair?
According to the National Library of Medicine in their research article on Premature Graying of Hair: Review with Updates, the premature graying age varies depending on a person's race.
Caucasians may develop premature grays before their 20's. African Americans may develop premature grays before their 30's. On average, adults typically develop their first grays anywhere between their mid-30's or 40's.
Premature graying may occur during adolescence for some. Some online sources suggest that finding a single gray hair every now and then is common and nothing to worry about. I recommend reading Healthline's article titled, Why Does My Child Have White Hair?
Many online sources give multiple reasons why premature gray hairs develop at a young age. Below are the most common reasons shared by many:
Genetics,
Vitamin B12 deficiency, and
Medical conditions like thyroid disease.
The Embarrassing Way I Learned About It
My Dad found my first gray hair on my 11th birthday while we waited in line to purchase items from a store. He started parting my long hair. I thought he was bored while we waited. Instead, he was looking at a gray hair.
Everyone within ear shot heard my Dad exclaim, "I found a gray hair!" He encouraged the adults standing in line behind us to confirm that it was in fact a gray hair. Once a few people confirmed it, Dad ripped it out of my head to take a closer look.
He held it up for Mom, the cashier scanning our items, the cashier working the machine to the right of us, and other shoppers as they walked past us. People asked how old I was, and Dad joyously told them that it was my 11th birthday that day.
At this point you may be wondering, 'Jam, did this really happen or are you exaggerating the story?' Well, I hate to inform you that this is a true story.
Of course, I was embarrassed by the fact that I was still a child with a single gray hair, but Dad's excitement made me want to run out of the store. People did not need to know about a gray hair! I wanted to run away and die curled up in a ball anywhere far away from everyone.
Then Dad found a few more gray hairs on my head. Like he did with the first strand, he announced to everyone within earshot that he found more. The people behind us in line came closer for a good look at my head. The cashier even leaned over the counter to see.
It was one of the worst birthdays ever (but not the absolute worst, unfortunately).
In the car, my parents explained that it was genetics and not unexpected. Dad had several gray hairs when he was 12 years old. He did not "go fully gray" until his late 40's or early 50's.
It was reassuring to believe that a few strands would not impact my life. When I became a teenager, that belief changed.
Dyeing My Hair
When I was 13 years old, I developed more gray hairs. Unlike in years past, the gray strands were visible no matter how my hair was styled.
I was bullied and teased a lot growing up, but it worsened when other teens noticed my gray hairs. I was an easy target for many. Some would tell me that it was all in good fun, but comments about how old I looked were not fun for a shy, awkwardly social introvert like myself. For my mental sanity, I will not detail the things said or done to me but know that it negatively impacted my self-esteem.
Teachers never did anything about my complaints of being bullied because of my gray hairs, so I never thought to tell my Dad. I did not want to tell my Mom about being bullied since, at the time, I believed a bullying experience when I was 6 years old caused my parents to have an ugly separation.
However, after one day filled with constant bullying about my looks, I told Mom about it. Naturally, she wanted to overreact by rushing to the school and giving everyone a piece of her mind. After a cool-down period, Mom said we would try dyeing my hair.
Mom and I went to the store where she bought a dye that matched my hair color. She applied it when we got home, and we observed my head periodically to see if I would develop an allergic reaction. I did have reactions because the brand she bought contained lye, but Mom said it was minor and nothing to worry about.
To my surprise, the bullying and teasing reduced drastically when there were no grays to be seen on my head. I went back to being the wallflower that nobody noticed or knew existed. Life was tolerable for about a month.
Mom thought the hair dye would last longer than a month, but my hair grew so rapidly that all grays were visible after a month's time. Bullying and teasing resumed until the next time my hair was dyed.
I understand why Mom did not want my hair dyed regularly. She worried it would ruin my hair. At this point, my hair had never been cut. It hung past my knees. I was becoming Rapunzel. It was a matter of time before my Mom locked me in a tower with a chameleon and cleaning supplies.
One summer, I finally convinced Mom to let me cut my hair and dye it regularly. Mom cried when my long hair was cut off. She was more attached to it than I was. I always hated having long hair.
Despite dyeing my hair monthly like clockwork, my hair grew rapidly, and gray strands were visible after a couple weeks. While I was not teased in high school (about my gray hair anyway), there were many who assumed I was older than I was.
There were a group of students referred to as "super seniors" in my high school. These were adult students who were either held back year-after-year for failing or had an extended absence from school lasting several years because of teen pregnancies or time spent in jail.
"Super seniors" were not looked at favorably by teenagers attending the same school. Because of my gray hairs, many teens assumed I was a "super senior" adult struggling to graduate high school for whatever reason. Being perceived as an adult just because of my gray hairs made it difficult for me to socialize with anyone in my age group. Of course, my awkwardness did not make things any easier.
Some teens would ask me to buy them cigarettes or alcohol from the nearby convenient store because they believed nobody would question my age. I was also sometimes invited to go club hopping because they believed I knew the best 18+ clubs in the area. This made me uncomfortable as a goody two shoes and an introvert who preferred being ignored by others to hold on to my sanity.
There were many things that made me feel insecure during my youth, and having premature gray hairs was one of those things.
As I got older, my looks became more important to my Mom. It bothered her that I never met her physical standards. There were many reasons I did not meet her physical standards including my sensitive skin (skin irritations happened with most products Mom had me use), my acne (normal for teenagers, like duh), and my skin color which came up in private conversations periodically (Mom is a light skinned Filipina and I have my Dad's darker African American skin color). Having premature gray hairs, in addition to the other issues I mentioned, lowered my Mom's perception of me and how she believed others negatively looked at me.
I dyed my hair monthly from age 14 to 24 years. There were a few times my Mom had me dye my hair within the recommend one month time frame because of a special occasion. Mom frowned upon gray hairs.
Premature Grays Into Adulthood
When I was finally able to take full control of my lifestyle (Mom was very strict and controlling), I experimented with different hair dye brands. By my early 20's, I found the Revlon brand did not irritate my sensitive scalp like other name brands.
By my mid-20's I was tired of dyeing my hair monthly. I did not see the point since my grays always showed within a couple weeks anyway. I started dyeing it every other month to save money on hair dye products. When gray strands grew out, I experimented with different hair styles to hide it.
I naively believed that my gray hairs prevented others from showing or having romantic interest in me. A part of that belief came from my Mom who reminded me that men were only interested in younger looking women. I need to marry for... let us just say "reasons." Maybe I will share her thinking in a future blog post if I am willing to look back at those parts of my life.
Mom believed gray hairs were a deterrent, but premature gray hairs as an adult had no impact on me meeting new people and dating. Only one man I dated asked about my gray hairs out of curiosity, but otherwise it was never a topic for discussion.
Gray hairs did play a small part in my profession. Most of the positions I held involved working with professors. A few professors accepted my suggestions for changes to their courses because I seemed "wise beyond your years" because of my grays.
I thought their perceptions of gray hairs were dumb. Gray hairs are something every adult would eventually grow. So why did having gray hairs at a younger age matter? As dumb as their perception seemed to me, having gray hairs apparently encouraged less than a handful of older professors hesitant to change make improvements to their courses.
To this day, I still dye my hair every two or three months. I do not see the point in dyeing it monthly since grays will show within two week.
I have had some hair loss where I used to part it in my 20's. I do not know if this is the result dyeing my hair regularly for 26 years, the lye that irritated my scalp from the dye my Mom used on my head when I was a teenager, or a normal thing that happens around this part of life. Lately, I have parted my hair down the center to hide the miniature bald spot.
As of now, I do not know if I will stop dyeing my hair completely. That day may come sooner now that I am at home most days. Dyeing my hair takes time away from creative projects, gaming, and spoiling my dogs. Sure, it is only an hour every few months, but it is an hour that could be spent doing something fun.
My Thoughts
If you know a child with premature gray hairs, either ignore their grays or reassure them that it is only a big deal if they make it out to be. Adolescence is difficult for many youths. The notion of having premature grays, especially when our culture associates gray hairs with the elderly, may be stressful to children, preteens, and teens. Be supportive and listen (do not talk right away) if a child wants to vent about their gray hairs).
If you are a parent of a child with premature grays, do not make a huge deal about it as doing so may impact their self-esteem. My parents made having premature gray hairs a big deal. It did not take long for my Dad's excitement and my Mom's strange beliefs to lower my self-esteem.
Dad was 12 years old when I first experienced premature graying. I realized at an older age that my Dad was excited because his genes passed onto me. However, 11-year-old me did not find it amusing. His excitement embarrassed me even long after he showed off my head of hair to strangers.
When I became an adult, my Mom made a big deal about my natural hair color. She truly believed nobody would be interested in me as a housewife (Mom has an old-fashioned way of thinking) if they thought I was older than them. This was stupid since my Dad married her despite their 9-year age gap. Mom insisted that she looked very young and beautiful for her age which is why Dad showed any interest in her.
The bullying I experienced as a youth was common to me at least. If I was not bullied and teased about my gray hairs, I was bullied and teased for many other reasons. Yet, being bullied about my gray hairs encouraged me to beg my Mom to let me dye my hair regularly at a young age. I always welcomed one less reason to be messed with at school.
Otherwise, premature graying did not negatively impact me as an adult. When gray strands were visible, some people assumed I was older. As an adult, I did not care if people thought I was older.
One day I will embrace my grays and quit dyeing my hair completely. Since I am home often, and I hate spending money on a non-essential item, that day may come sooner than later.
What's Next?
Now that I have stressed myself out revisiting an annoying part of my past, I am going to create some art. Creativity is one of my favorite stress-relieving activities!
Do you have premature gray hairs? Comment below to share your thoughts and experience with having gray hair at a younger age.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
I had my first grey hairs at 11. The neighbour girl liked playing with my hair and she had the same reaction as your dad. Very embarrassing to a girl who was bullied throughout her childhood. I got bullied for having grey hair and then bullied because I dyed it! Same experience really. I died my hair from ages 14-40. Eventually I had to do it every 2 weeks as it covered the entire front of my head and was really noticeable. The dyed hair started looking really fake when light shone thru it so in the end I to take the plunge and decided to embrace the grey. I bleached it and then let it grow out. Turns out…