In honor of November as National Life Writing Month (a.k.a., Memoir Writing Month).
My Mom was admitted into the ICU for the second time this year. As usual, I heard many hurtful statements from her, but this one demand got me thinking about going low contact. (This is a lengthy vent post.)
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
Why Mom Stayed at the ICU
Mom had increased difficulty breathing one day. She called my niece for a ride to the ER. While in the ER, the healthcare professionals realized Mom's diabetes and blood pressure were out of control.
She was admitted into the ICU late Friday night (November 1st). Mom was convinced that she would be discharged over the weekend. I was told I did not need to make the drive to be with her (I live in another city/county).
Sunday morning, the doctor informed Mom that she would have to stay another night. Since I knew my niece had to work during the week, I headed to my hometown first thing Sunday morning.
Hearing Mom's Demand
When I arrived in Mom's ICU room, she greeted me with a smile. Mom then proceeded to tell me that the doctor was most concerned about her high blood pressure. Stress was the main contributing factor to her hospitalization. She needed to reduce stress in her life if she wanted to live longer.
Mom explained that I was the main cause for her stress. I was the reason she was hospitalized. I needed to learn to shut up and be quiet. Do not speak to the nurses. Do not speak to the doctors. Only speak to her when I am spoken to.
So, where is her demand coming from? Many places, really. Old-fashioned misogyny where the woman should not debate, speak up, or question others, especially a man. Yet, I believe this demand stemmed from arguments we had the week prior.
The Week Prior
Near the end of October, I scheduled a doctor's appointment for my Mom at her request. She needed an appointment to receive a referral for a rollator (a four-wheeled walker with a seat).
Whenever I take Mom to one of her appointments, I join and assist her by carrying her purse and oxygen tank, pushing the loaner wheelchair if she needs it, and helping bridge the language barrier between her and the healthcare professionals.
During her doctor's appointment on Wednesday (October 30th), the doctor explained that he needed justification for a rollator referral. Mom mentioned that she had COPD and was just old. The doctor said he needed more. I mentioned other concerns like her osteoporosis and past back injury. Mom passed me a look, but I did not think anything about it.
Mom brought up health concerns unrelated to the original purpose of the visit. She mentioned that her shoulders hurt and asked for an appointment in radiology for X-Rays. The doctor said, "No problem."
When the doctor asked about other health concerns and Mom shrugged her shoulders, I mentioned her increased difficulty breathing. I thought Mom forgot about it momentarily since she was using her portable oxygen tank and breathing normally. I recounted a conversation with Mom about two recent incidents where she almost called emergency services, the reason she decided that she needed a rollator.
According to Mom, a concerned woman rushed to Mom's aid and offered to call EMS when Mom had difficulty breathing in a grocery store parking lot. Mom did not have her portable oxygen tank with her. Mom rejected the offer to call EMS, but asked the woman to help her get to the car. She used her portable oxygen once she got to the car, and the woman stayed with her until Mom was well enough to drive off.
According to Mom, she had difficulty breathing the next day while at home. Mom refused to use her oxygen 24/7 as directed by several doctors following her ICU stay last January. She was in the bathroom when she started struggling and gasping for air. She said she wanted to call emergency services but could not reach her phone.
The doctor verified the account with Mom, then thanked me for letting him know. He made notes about everything that was said and lectured Mom about using her oxygen everywhere, all the time.
After we left her doctor's appointment and headed to radiology, Mom was angry that I brought up her difficulty breathing. She complained that I was giving the doctor a reason for a return trip to the hospital when she hated going in the first place. She told me to shut up.
After over four hours in the hospital, we left to grab a late lunch while waiting for her medication to be ready at the pharmacy. Like always, I dropped Mom off as close to the doors as possible and picked her up from the same location.
The location is a designated loading and unloading zone. I have seen many people drop and pick-up people, so I have done the same to minimize Mom's walk to the entrance (about one hundred feet walk from where I dropped her off to the entrance). The process is usually quick, but not on this day.
Despite waiting at the curb for me before I pulled up, Mom started having difficulty breathing. I offered to help or call for help, but Mom yelled at me to shut up and leave her alone.
A military police officer (we were on post) came by to tell me to move my vehicle, but I explained to him what was going on. He rushed over to provide Mom assistance by calling EMS, but Mom dismissed him. Mom was visibly struggling, so the military police officer offered again only for Mom to shove him with her left hand.
Fortunately, he did not get upset by her actions. He told me to take all the time that we needed and flag him down if emergency services was required. I asked him where I should drop and pick her up next time since she refused to use a wheelchair.
Again, it was a long walk from where I was parked to the entrance, but it was the closest option considering the other options. He told me to keep using that zone and explain the situation to any other military police officer who approached us to move.
Naturally, I got in trouble for speaking to the military police officer. Mom believed that I was the reason he was irritating her. Mom said her difficulty breathing is just her normal way of life and not an emergency.
During a phone call while Mom was in the ICU, I calmly (no raised voice; no yelling) reminded Mom of what every doctor told her since her first ICU visit in January. She needed to use her oxygen. Mom yelled at me for lecturing her and hit her nurse call button because I caused her blood pressure to rise and breathing to become more difficult. I hung up after apologizing to my niece.
My inability to keep my mouth shut about her health is what sent her to the ER and caused her to stay an extra night or two in the ICU.
Hearing Mom's Demand Again
Mom said a lot of the same things I listed when I wrote about the worst thing that I heard following my Mom's hospital stay in January 2024 . Mom said other things, but I am saving the most hurtful statement for the end of this post.
Mom was discharged from the ICU on Monday (November 11th). I am back in my own home but will return this week to take Mom to her follow-up appointment.
A few days ago, I received a call from Mom's case manager. I am often called as I have the medical power of attorney and Mom previously requested that her case worker speak with me regarding matters of her health. The case manager told me that she called Mom multiple times before calling me, but Mom ignored the calls and voicemails.
The case manager said that she needed to hear from Mom directly regarding her rollator referral. Since Mom was "able-bodied" and "cognitively functional" to make her own decisions, she needed to be the one to agree to the terms of the referral. I just needed to let Mom know to return her case manager's call.
I told Mom to return her case manager's call. The next day, I called Mom to see how the conversation went and if there was anything Mom wanted me to do.
Mom said she needed me to take her to the medical store to pick up her rollator after we finished with her follow-up appointment. That made sense since I would only be there for one day.
Mom then reminded me that I needed to learn to shut up and be quiet. Do not speak to the nurses. Do not speak to the doctors. Only speak to her when I am spoken to.
She expressed her hatred for my honesty. The doctors "only wanted money" and did not truly care about her, so why waste everyone's time with unnecessary details? Mom ranted about how healthcare was "BS,” and nobody cared if money was not involved. (Mom's medical expenses are covered by her health insurance. She does not pay anything out-of-pocket.)
She admitted to me that she felt horrible following her hospitalization, but she planned to tell her doctor that her health improved, and nothing was wrong. Maybe Mom is right about not being honest. I believe her honesty is why she was released from the ICU sooner than later.
During her hospitalization, Mom admitted to me and the healthcare professionals that she would not change her ways. She will not check her blood sugar level. She would not use insulin when needed. She will not use her oxygen 24/7 as directed. She will not consider in-home nurse care available to her. She will not make any changes because there was nothing wrong with how things were.
She argued and yelled at the nurses when they tried to explain things to her. Personally, I believe Mom was released from the ICU sooner than later because she was not willing to help herself or accept the help of the ICU team.
During our last phone call, told me not to speak. I needed to keep my mouth shut and stay quiet as she taught me to do as a child. I was a good kid, and she taught me well. She did not know what happened to me.
My Feelings about This Demand
Unfortunately, Mom's demand to "shut up" and "stay quiet" triggered traumatic reminders of my past when I was ordered to keep my mouth shut about things that I now know should not have been kept secret.
If you read my post about me struggling to get over a triggered memory, then you should know that the "family member" referenced was my Mom. I no longer care if relatives read this and learn a small snippet about Mom's past that she told me to take to my grave. I do not care anymore. I will not remain silent.
My Mom was my number one bully growing up. She was emotionally abusive and manipulative my whole life. She was controlling and sometimes called me her "servant." After all, she conditioned and raised me to serve her in her old age. She is upset that I have not moved in and cared for her full-time.
She did more things I am not currently comfortable putting into writing yet, but some stories of my past will be shared in the coming months. I cannot keep these stories secret anymore. I need to write it out for my own mental health.
Mom does not see herself as a bad parent or bully. In her mind, she was the "perfect mother" (she told my niece this last week in front of me) and did nothing wrong. She does not know where she went wrong with me, but she believes she can put me back in line despite my older adult age.
In the past when I attempted to bring up specific situations with her, she would argue that I was lying, and even if it were true, I should not blame her for trying her best and had no sympathy for her as a single mother. (My parents were married but separated because Mom refused to move and travel with my active-duty Air Force Dad.) I can no longer stand her verbal abuse and humiliation.
Speaking of humiliation, here is another story from her recent hospitalization.
Mom spilled the juice from her cup of peaches. I wanted to let a nurse or housekeeper know about it. Mom yelled (not talking or raising her voice) at me to clean it up because I needed to practice cleaning up after her.
I grabbed some dry and wet paper towels to clean the spill. A nurse came in to administer Mom's breathing treatment. I pointed to the spill area and told him to be careful because it was sticky. He said he would call housekeeping, but Mom told him not to.
Mom told the nurse that I needed to clean it up. It was a daughter's responsibility to clean up after her Mom. She then told him that this little exercise may help me lose a little weight since I was fat.
The nurse said, "Whoa," and tried to de-escalate the situation, but Mom was on a verbal roll. Mom continued talking about how I could afford to lose weight. She followed with "it's too late to fix her ugly." I was so embarrassed; I stepped out for fresh air as soon as I finished cleaning the spill. Even as I walked out, she was still talking about how fat and ugly I was.
I wanted to walk away and avoid her at that moment, but I returned after spending time during a rain shower at night. It is possible Mom believed she was joking (she has always "joked" about my looks, weight, and other physical features). It is possible Mom believed she was making light of the situation. Then again, she frequently tells me that I am fat and ugly, so maybe I should be used to her words by now.
Today, I feel disheartened, anxious, and depressed. But do not tell my Mom that I am depressed! Despite me being diagnosed with "moderate-to-severe" depression seven years ago, Mom genuinely believes that there is no way I could ever be sad considering all she has done for me. Instead, I need to be less selfish and shift my focus on her in her old age.
I want to lower contact with her, but I will be there this week to take Mom to her doctor's appointment. I will not join Mom in the room this time since she does not want me to speak.
I will, however, speak with Mom's case manager about not involving me anymore since Mom has proven that that she is "able-bodied" and "cognitively functional" to make her own decisions.
After Mom's follow-up appointment, I will minimize visits and phone calls. I will be there for Christmas and New Years, so Mom is not alone for the holidays.
What's Next?
If you read this far, then... WOW! Thank you for joining my vent talk! If you need to vent and have nobody to talk to, consider writing about it in honor of National Life Writing Month. Sometimes, writing about your feelings helps with minimizing negative emotions.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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