We're getting through it.
It has been a week since my senior dog passed away. While it was hard for me to lose my first best friend, it has been harder for my small dog.
NOTE: I wrote this blog post like I would write an entry in my private journal/diary. I wanted to get some things off my chest and reflect on yesterday's event.
There may be grammatical and/or spelling errors, something that would exist in my informal, handwritten private entries. My apologies if my story gets confusing at any point.
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
Tuesday, 29 November 2022
When I first wrote about losing my senior dog, Shadow, I wrote about some of the challenges and changes we faced the day after his passing. Tuesday was one of the most emotionally difficult days of my life. I thought Monday was bad, but I believe I was mostly in shock losing my best friend who was just playful a couple hours before his death.
I failed to mention in last week's blog post that I struggled to close my eyes for longer than a blink. Every time I close my eyes, I visualize Shadow's dead body as it laid on the exam room's floor.
I wrote a letter to our mail carrier informing her of Shadow's passing. I thanked her for her service and spoiling my dog. I explained that Shadow enjoyed his daily walks to the mailbox to see what she left for him.
Because I hated closing my eyes, I fought off sleep if possible. I passed out at some point the next morning while I was using my laptop. Rascal slept in my Dad's room.
Wednesday, 30 November 2022
On Wednesday morning, Rascal and I headed to my Mom's house to tell her the news of Shadow's death in-person.
The drive was interesting. Rascal struggled to settle in one spot. He tried to lay in the backseat, but whined before jumping to the floor of the front seat. He whined periodically until we made it to Mom's house.
When Rascal and I arrived at her house, she asked about Shadow's whereabouts. When I told her about his passing, she sat and cried. I held Mom in my arms as she sobbed.
After a couple minutes, she stopped crying. She said Shadow lived long enough to see her over Thanksgiving because he loved her so much. The timing of his death was for her.
Then Mom was done crying and mourning his loss. She went on-and-on about how Shadow loved her and did everything he could to make her happy. I know it may be wrong, but this upset me a little bit.
Shadow hated visiting Mom's house. When we were there the week prior for the Thanksgiving holiday, Shadow refused to get out of the SUV. There were times when he tried to grab the steering wheel and move the gear shift to leave on his own.
It took an hour and a half before he finally walked out of the SUV on his own. Even then, it took time to get Shadow into Mom's house. He kept trying to walk away from the house instead of into it.
I tried to ignore my bitterness over Mom's comments. I figured that I was tired and mourning Shadow's loss. My bitterness went away after I heard Rascal howling in the backyard.
Rascal stood where Shadow normally liked to hang out in Mom's backyard howling and whining. I wiped tears from his eyes. His tears were thick, but plentiful. I carried Rascal into the house.
Rascal does not like Mom, but he walked over to her for comfort. Mom gave him a few pets on the head. Rascal and I sat on the couch while we waited for Mom to get ready to head out. She asked me to take her shopping since I was available. I agreed.
I also agreed to stay the night. It was my original plan as I mentioned in my blog post last week, but it was nice to know that Mom was alright with the idea.
Rascal and I played in the living room for a while. He then ate his food, something he had not done the day before. For a moment, I believed that we would cope faster than I originally thought.
Then I received a call from the pet dog crematorium. I maintained my composure during the phone call. We discussed the cremation process and timeline. I chose an urn I could not afford but wanted for Shadow's ashes. I made the payment over the phone. I hung up and broke down in tears.
My chest never hurt as badly as it has this past week. Rascal picked up on my sadness and came over to comfort me. He whimpered as I sobbed. The doctor told me it may have been weeks before I received that phone call. I was not expecting to receive it so soon. I was not mentally prepared for that call.
I asked her not to tell my brother and his family about Shadow's death yet. In case they felt sadness for Shadow or me, I wanted it to wait until after my brother's birthday. He and my sister-in-law were in Korea visiting one of my nieces and I knew they would call my Mom as they did most days.
Unfortunately, Mom couldn't wait to tell the family about Shadow's passing. She called one of my nieces who was in town to tell her the news. Once again, I was upset. It especially hurt to hear my niece, Joy, cry on the phone. If anyone other than Dad or Rascal were close to Shadow, it was Joy.
To my surprise, Joy rushed over to the house. She let me tell her about the moments leading to and following Shadow's death. She also let me tell her some stories about Shadow and Rascal's close bond. I am grateful for her company and compassion. She is a remarkable, caring human being who will do great in life if she continues to be herself and fights for what she believes in.
Rascal would not let go of Shadow's favorite dinosaur toy left at Mom's house. At one point, Joy moved it away from him. Rascal fussed and searched for it until she returned it. He hugged that toy all night.
At one point, we were in another room. Mom and Joy were joking about something. I was there trying to enjoy their company.
Rascal, who normally avoided being near Mom, joined us. He sat in the middle wagging his tail. He also opened and closed his mouth as if he was silently contributing to the conversation.
Then Mom yelled. Mom yells often. Sometimes she yells because she cannot hear well. Other times she yells to make sure she is heard. Her yelling is something both dogs hated. They are not used to it or other loud noises (excluding fireworks). Mom's yelling made Rascal recoil in fear.
He ran to the living room. Mom worried about him. She never believed the volume of her voice bothered the dogs. Joy attempted to calm him down with pets, but my trembling small dog came to me for comfort. He held onto my shoulder tightly.
Mom attempted to pet him, something she rarely did before that day. Rascal used his paws to push her hand away. At one point, he nipped at her hand. We retreated to my old bedroom for the remainder of the night.
We did not sleep well that night. At some point the next morning, I passed out.
Thursday, 1 December 2022
I normally wait for my Mom to wake before I leave her house. She is a night owl and wakes around noon. However, I was ready to go back home.
I wrote Mom a note apologizing for leaving before she woke. Rascal and I headed home.
Thursday became a day of sulking and mourning. I was not motivated to do anything. Rascal whimpered and whined throughout the day. He divided his time between my Dad and me. He again ate very little.
There were many ladybugs indoors. I saw the first one on Monday morning. I continued seeing at least one ladybug a day for a week.
My friend sent me the following text after (I am assuming) a quick search online:
"Some types of animals have been said to be bearers of very specific kinds of messages, for instance, ladybugs are said to be a good omen, offering assurance, particularly when things seem to be at their darkest, that not all is lost."
In the afternoon, I fell asleep. For the first time since Monday, I dreamt of Shadow. I dreamt that we had to evacuate the SUV that was at risk of falling into a sinkhole. My Dad, dogs, and I were safe. Once I released a sigh of relief, I checked on my dogs.
Rascal was doing alright. He stood to my left looking at the sinkhole we narrowly escaped. The SUV was gone, but that was not important at that moment.
I then looked over at Shadow on my right. Shadow was holding an RC remote control in his mouth. His tail was wagging. He handed me the remote control as if to say, 'I saved your toy for you.' I laughed and gave him a tight hug.
The remote was nothing without the RC car, but Shadow did not need to know that. I was surprised he even thought to save anything other than himself. I thanked Shadow and reassured him that he was a good boy.
I dreamt of Shadow again that night after I passed out on the couch. Sadly, I cannot recall many details of the dream. I do remember that Shadow wanted me to do something for him. Something that involved his old ramp.
At one point in the dream, I laughed when I realized Shadow wanted me to do this thing for my happiness, not for him. I watched guinea pigs and ferrets run up the ramp and into a large enclosure filled with lots of toys, platforms, and other objects typical for small animal enclosures.
Friday, 2 December 2022
When I woke, I told myself that everything would be alright. I felt less guilty considering how even in my dreams Shadow wanted to make sure I was happy.
Receiving a package with bracelets gifted to me and Dad lifted my spirits. Yes, I sobbed when I received the bracelets commemorating Shadow. I did not expect to receive anything other than a receipt for Shadow's cremation. Knowing someone important in my life recognized how important Shadow was to me gave me enough motivation to be productive.
Sadly, Rascal still struggled. He ate, but not much. He played, but not for long. Rascal was still grieving. Although Dad and I attempted to maintain our daily routine for Rascal, it became clear that our daily routine needed to change. Everything we did used to involve both dogs. I believe it was difficult for Rascal to do certain things without Shadow by his side.
Rascal and I attempted to sleep in the bed for the first time since Sunday night. It was hard to look at the foot of the bed and not see Shadow laying there. Normally, Shadow would lay on my feet to keep them warm.
Rascal laid in Shadow's spot for a while and stared at Shadow's plush toys. Unfortunately, he could not stay without tears forming. He eventually left to sleep in Dad's room.
It probably did not help that I have a bag of Shadow's belonging hanging on a chair in the corner. The doctor placed Shadow's collar, leash, bandana, and harness in that bag for me. I have yet to touch it since Monday night.
Saturday, 3 December 2022
I knew we needed to change our routine. Rascal and I headed to PetSmart. He whined when we arrived there. Tears formed once again. I worried the visit may be too painful, but we needed to create new habits to get through this tough time.
We did not stay long because he started screaming as we got deeper into the store. What was once a place of happiness for my dogs became a place my small dog wanted to avoid.
I bought Rascal a new leash, sweater, and plush dinosaur. He deserved new things for being a good boy. After all, he learned everything he knew from Shadow. The only thing I taught Rascal was how to sit. Shadow taught Rascal everything else.
Much of the day went well. Rascal and I cried less. We comforted each other with playtime, hugs, and kisses. He finally ate as much as he would have eaten before Shadow's passing. I focused on a couple craft projects. Things were better.
The mail carrier left treats like usual. There were fewer biscuits and a new chewy treat she's never left before. I have yet to meet her in-person, but I love her so much!
I called my Mom that evening to check on her. The call started normally with her doing most of the talking. Mom complained about family and how they do not consider her wants and needs often enough. She complained about how some of her neighbors got on her nerves.
Then Mom went on about how Shadow loved her so much that he waited until after visiting her for the Thanksgiving holiday to die. I heard this a few days prior and just let her speak.
Before I knew it, she was complaining about Rascal and how he was a "wild" dog. I was a horrible pet owner for not training him well and teaching him not to run in her house. I explained that he only ran when he was scared, but I left out the part about how he was often scared of her mouth.
Like always, she ignored what I had to say. Mom continued saying she never liked Rascal and did not know why Shadow liked him. She assured me that she may never like Rascal, and my poor pet parenting was a large reason why Rascal is a "wild" dog.
When Mom suggested that I was the reason Shadow died, the rest of the day became a blur. I do not recall if I hung up or just shut down mentally while she ranted. I do know that once I got off the phone with Mom, I wept as hard as I did the night that I held Shadow's body in my right arm.
It was one thing to feel guilty about my dog's death on my own, although not unexpected at his age. It was harder to hear that my Mom also believed the timing and manner of his death was my fault. I felt like a horrible person.
Sunday, 4 December 2022
Rascal and I walked to the park early that morning. It has been a couple years since we walked there instead of driving.
Before Shadow passed away, I struggled to get Rascal to walk with me to the park alone. He hated leaving Shadow behind, but Shadow could not make that far of a walk at his old age. Instead, we drove to the park despite it only being a few blocks away just so Shadow could be included in our outing.
I believe because Rascal witnessed Shadow's death and knew what happened, he did not hesitate to make the walk for the first time in years. In fact, Rascal never searched for Shadow. He knew Shadow was not returning.
Things went well overall. There was a point when Rascal stopped and stared at the large, open field. For the past three or four years, we would drive to the park and set up a picnic blanket in that field. Because Shadow was well-behaved and great off leash, there were times when Rascal and I would walk the path around the field while Shadow relaxed on the picnic blanket.
I knew Rascal remembered those days. When we walked, he would often stop in his tracks to make sure Shadow was alright in the center of the field. After he saw Shadow was OK, we would walk some distance before he stopped to check again.
Every time Rascal stopped on Sunday morning to look at the field, he let out a whimper. However, it was not as excessive as the week prior.
Rascal ate well that day. He even enjoyed a treat for once in nearly a week! It was clear small progress was being made.
That was the first night Rascal slept in bed. He slept in Shadow's usual spot along the foot of the bed. It was comforting to have a dog's body across my feet once again.
Monday, 5 December 2022
Rascal and I started walking to the park early that morning. However, Rascal would not go further than the street corner. He whimpered and whined. I figured we could try heading to the park another day.
Otherwise, Monday went well. Dad and I have developed new daily routines that Rascal seems to accept as the new norm.
I was less productive because Rascal wanted to cuddle more than usual. Rascal is now the central focus of my life, so I will make sacrifices to ensure his happiness and health. On this day, I sacrificed productivity for quality cuddle time. Worth it.
Rascal slept in bed again, but this time in his own usual spot next to me. While I miss the warmth on my feet, I was happy that we are slowly getting back to some sense of normalcy.
Tuesday, 6 December 2022
This morning, Rascal and I went to the park. Our visit went well, but we only walked around a parked police cruiser. I let Rascal lead our walks (it used to be Shadow who took the lead) and he insisted on staying near the police cruiser. When the officer left, Rascal led us to the SUV.
We drove to the park because I wanted to head to Starbucks with Rascal afterwards. We visited this Starbucks location without Shadow last month, so I hoped he would remember and feel calm today.
It took a few minutes and several attempts to run off on his own (his leash was tied to a table, and he was at no risk of being injured or running loose), but then he sat patiently waiting as he did many times with Shadow.
Rascal gets nervous and anxious around strangers. He was shy today, but braver than in the past. We were able to stay for an hour before my anxiety kicked in as the outdoor patio filled with people.
We are still grieving for Shadow, but we are doing better emotionally. Changing our daily routines seems to help Rascal adjust to being an only dog now.
I realized our lives revolved around Shadow. It was not because I loved Rascal less, but because Rascal focused much of his attention on Shadow.
Since Shadow's stroke last September, Rascal attempted to care for Shadow. Rascal would try to feed Shadow, massage his legs, lift him when Shadow needed assistance, play with him, and keep him company. Rascal would notify me or my Dad when Shadow needed to go outside. He also made sure we gave Shadow his medicine on time.
Rascal learned these things from Shadow. Since I adopted Rascal as a puppy over seven years ago, Shadow would feed Rascal, pet him, give support, play with him, and keep him company.
As I mentioned earlier, everything Rascal knows, he learned from Shadow. Except for sitting. I take pride in claiming that I taught Rascal to sit. But Rascal was as much Shadow's dog as he was my own.
Today, I am happier, but I still feel sadness and guilt. Sadness will pass, but the guilt will last forever.
Rascal is doing better. Right now, he is in Dad's room. When I finish writing this post, I believe he will be by my side for my cuddles.
We are healing slowly.
What's Next?
Since I use this website as a public journal to relieve stress, I may upload a few more posts about my thoughts and feelings about things, especially when I visit my Mom for the winter holidays (stressful times).
I will try to share some light-hearted blog posts, but I wanted to be honest about what may be posted the remainder of this year.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
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