To visit family, or not to visit family, that is the question I asked myself recently.
A traditional Thanksgiving Day was spent with family, but this isn't a traditional or normal year. Considering that we're in the midst of a pandemic, and the US is dealing with many active cases daily, I had to decide if I'd stay at my Mom's house to spend the holiday weekend with family or stay home for the first time since I bought my house 8 years ago.
I considered what the experts recommended, opposing arguments, and my underlying fears about the pandemic.
NOTE: This is going to be a long post to read or skim through.
My Fears
I've traditionally spent Thanksgiving Day and that holiday weekend with family. There were only two Thanksgiving holidays I spent with my Dad out-of-state following a work trip. Otherwise, I'd head to my Mom's house on Wednesday afternoon and stay through Sunday or Monday.
This year is not a traditional or normal year due to the pandemic. There are new risks and concerns related to holiday travels and social get-together events. Like some people, I've been paranoid about what I need to do to be safe. I don't want to catch the virus, nor do I want to unknowingly pass it on to anyone else, especially not to my loved ones.
I don't fear death, but I do fear the physical and mental implications I may endure leading to my death. I also fear the potentially severe effects that may linger if I survived a harrowing experience. I have underlying health issues that may put me at a higher risk at a more severe case of COVID-19.
As an introvert, staying home isn't challenging for me. In fact, limited capacity in stores, social distancing in public, and no participation in social activities significantly helped reduce my social and crowd-related anxieties. I'm unemployed which makes it easier for me to take extra precautions to remain safe and healthy.
My Dad moved in nearly three years ago, so I'm not alone. He's also an introvert, more so than I am, which makes me feel comfortable knowing that he's safe and healthy. I share my home with my Dad and dogs, so I have a nearby outlet for the few times I need to care for my social needs.
Unfortunately, my Mom lives alone in her house. Last February, I offered her to move in with me, but she didn't want to leave the city she loves. She also wants to stay close to my brother and his family who live in the same city as her. So, I offered to stay with her during the pandemic while my Dad stayed in my house (they're divorced). She declined stating that she likes living alone.
Except my Mom doesn't like being alone. She's an extrovert who used to go out and socialize with others often, except now she can't do most of the things she used to do. My Mom still sees my brother and his family a few times a week, but I know she misses having me and my dogs visit her monthly. I haven't seen my Mom since I went to surprise her with a new cell phone last July.
My Mom has COPD, asthma, emphysema, uses an oxygen machine at night, vitamin deficiencies, and many other health issues. She's in her mid-seventies, making her older adult age higher risk of suffering a severe illness from COVID-19.
My Dad and brother have their own share of health issues that put them in high risk of suffering a severe illness from COVID-19. I worry about the worst that could happen if any of my loved ones catch this virus. I don't want to unknowingly pass the virus to them when I'm able to take extra safety precautions to keep myself and them safe.
However, my family is planning a small get together for Thanksgiving Day at my brother's house. While only family (as far as I'm aware) will be the only one in attendance, there will be at least six members from four different households.
Perhaps I shouldn't fear everyone getting together because we've all been COVID-free since the pandemic made its way into the US earlier this year. However, experts argue that it only takes one person to turn a small get together into a "super spreader."
There are members of the family who work daily, go to church weekly, and shop or hang out with close friends regularly. I'd be the only person I know of who'll travel from a different town and county to be with family.
Even though we believe we're making efforts to remain safe and healthy, are we really doing all we can to ensure it?
The Questions I Asked Myself
For the past few weeks, I had a decision to make:
Do I go to my old hometown to stay with my Mom and spend time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday amid a pandemic? It'll please my family who're expecting a mostly traditional holiday, but I'll feel uneasy and paranoid my entire time there.
Do I stay home with my Dad, the only other member of my immediate household, amid a pandemic? It'll disappoint my family who're expecting me to be with them to celebrate the holiday, but at least I'll spend my first Thanksgiving Day in the house I've owned for eight years.
Considering What the Experts are Saying
I've read online articles and watched news videos about the potential risks of small groups getting together, traveling, and overnight stays during this Thanksgiving holiday.
The CDC shared a few articles on their website including one titled Holiday Celebrations and Small Gatherings. In short, it identifies the possible risks of people from different households getting together and provides suggestions for a safe, COVID-free holiday.
My family is planning a small get together in my brother's house. I'd be the only one traveling by car from another town and county. Everyone else lives in the same city.
My family consists of a group of neat freaks, and I mean that with respect. Lack of cleanliness is not a concern of mine when it comes to visiting their homes during the pandemic. I believe every surface is regularly disinfected simply because it's their nature to live very cleanly. Cleanliness was a way of life before the pandemic.
Other than the things I just mentioned, the family get together will be normal. It's something my Mom, brother, and his family are regularly doing a few times a week. Based on when I last stayed a few nights in May over my Mom's birthday, there will be lots of hugs, kisses, meals at the table, and hanging out in the living room. No social distancing and no masks.
My Mom's not fond of the outdoors and the cooler weather. I doubt the family will consider having our Thanksgiving meal outdoors. Even if we did, it may annoy the neighbors as my Mom yells a lot. She has hearing issues and refuses to wear hearing aids, so she's yelling a lot because she can't even hear herself well most of the time.
The CDC also recommends reviewing the COVID-19 infection rates. Our counties aren't too different with infection rates. My county averages 88 daily cases and my family's county averages 96 daily cases as of today, Tuesday, 24 November 2020.
Arguments I've Heard Opposing the Experts
I was encouraged several months ago to spend as much time with my Mom when possible. What it this is our last time together? Do I want to live with the regret of not seeing her sooner when I had the chance to do so?
It pains me to not visit my Mom as often as I've done in the past. When I moved away to accept a better job at a university nine years ago, I'd stay at her house for at least a couple night every month. When I first learned about the pandemic through the news, I thought it best to stop visiting her in-person to try to keep us both safe enough to see each other again in the future.
In May, I was encouraged to spend time with my Mom in case it could be the last birthday we spent together. I stayed with her for a week but felt uneasy and paranoid my entire time there. I worried about catching the virus or unknowingly passing it onto her.
The family and I were fortunate as we spent time together for her seventy-third birthday. However, I didn't feel comfortable knowing our get together, although small, was risky. Then again, at least I spent quality time with my Mom for her birthday. She only wants to be with family on special occasions.
In July, I made a surprise visit to my Mom's house to give her a new Samsung Galaxy S20 cell phone. I decided to put more effort into keeping us both safe. She was happy to see me and receive her new phone but yelled about my efforts to stay socially distant and wear a mask inside.
I hoped she'd appreciate my concern for her health and well-being, but instead she yelled and nearly cried about how I didn't trust her and had no respect for her wishes in her own house.
Going to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday, even if I only visit on Thanksgiving Day, would make my Mom happy. I know she misses me and my dogs. She'd enjoy our company for as long as we're with her. If there's a chance that this could be her or my last holiday, at least we spent it together.
It'd also be nice to get away from home for a while. When I was employed a few years back, I took many weekend trips to just get away to experience something different for a while. A couple times a year, I'd take an extended week-long trip out-of-state.
Trips are non-existent now and getting away would be a nice change for a few days. I'm sure my dogs miss traveling more than I do. They've traveled often since I got them as puppies, and I imagine they're wondering why we haven't gone on any long-distant trips this year.
A visit to see and spend time with family may benefit everyone's mental health and well-being... except for mine due to my paranoia.
My Decision
I've thought about the risks and benefits of visiting family over the Thanksgiving holiday. The worst-case scenario is obvious because I hear about it all the time in the news. Yet, what if things went well?
If I went and we were all safe, it'd be great to spend quality time with the family.
My niece recently moved into an apartment with her roommate. She's pursuing her bachelor's degree full-time and working to pay her expenses and shopping enjoyment. Who knows where life will take her when she finishes her degree?
My nephew is working and taking classes at the local community college. He still lives at home but will be leaving in January for basic training. We likely won't see him for months until he completes his training and returns home for a while.
Then I thought about another niece who won't be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's. She's TDY (temporary duty assignment) overseas and will be away from her husband, dogs, and loved ones for months. It's part of being a member of the US Air Force.
I started thinking about the many holidays and special events spent without my Dad and brother when they were active duty service members. My Dad served in the Air Force and my brother served in the Army. It was never a choice they made to be away, but it was their responsibility to go and protect their loved ones and country.
Their absence doesn't mean they love us any less than before they left. They don't complain about having to be away, although they aren't happy about it either. Instead, they think about the day they return and get to see their family again. The days my Dad returned, no matter the day of the year, felt like a holiday when I could hug him safely after a period of absence.
So, what's one missed holiday with the family? I speak with them over the phone regularly. I know they're alive and well. Hopefully, they find peace knowing I'm also well. I'd rather miss Thanksgiving Day this year if it means we'll get to spend other Thanksgivings together in good health.
I told my Mom earlier today that I won't be going home for Thanksgiving. She was naturally upset with my news, but said she understood my concerns. She and the rest of the family will be upset with my absence, but there's nothing but love between us. We have a good family bond that'll bring us together again.
As I mentioned earlier, this will be my first Thanksgiving in my house of eight years. I'm also happy to celebrate this day my Dad. Normally, he's alone on Thanksgiving because he's refused to spend the holiday with my Mom (his ex-wife) even though he's always invited to join. I think he's happy I'm staying because he actually bought ham to cook for Thursday. Dad's never been big on celebrating holidays or keeping with traditions.
What's Next?
While I've made up my mind about staying home for Thanksgiving, I can't help but wonder about Christmas. My Mom asked if I'd visit next month, but I told her it's too soon for me to say.
I'll continue watching infection rates and news about the pandemic to determine if it's safe for us to be together, especially since a few of us are considered "high risk." We'll see what happens over the next month.
My apologies for the exceptionally long blog post. Since I treat this blog as my public journal, I felt like writing this post to de-stress and get my fears off my mind. If you made it this far into the post, thank you for reading, and I hope I didn't upset or offend anyone with my written words.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
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