I can't get the statement out of my mind.
My Mom was admitted into the ICU at the start of the year and is currently recovering. I heard many statements that hurt me, but there was one statement that hurt me the most emotionally. (This is a lengthy vent post.)
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
Why Mom Stayed at the ICU
Mom was a chain-smoker with COPD. At the start of this month, Mom's oxygen level was so low and respiratory rate so high that she was rushed to the emergency room and admitted into the ICU.
The healthcare professionals did their best to get my Mom's oxygen level stabilized. After a week in the ICU, we were informed that my Mom needed to quit smoking and use four liters of continuous oxygen 24/7 for the remainder of her life.
Statements That Were Tough to Hear
During my Mom's time in the ICU and for weeks to follow, there were statements made to me that were difficult to hear. The healthcare professionals (nurses, specialists, and doctors) felt comfortable telling me their honest medical concerns, thoughts, and opinions regarding my Mom's health since I spent my time with my Mom in the ICU for a week.
Below were things healthcare professionals told me:
Mom was "non-compliant" and "stubborn" when she refused to follow the nurses and doctor's orders.
I overheard and consoled a nurse crying at her station after Mom made some rude, racist comments after I left for a few minutes to buy my Mom lunch because she was insulted by receiving Mexican food.
Mom was supposed to be transferred to a regular hospital room after her stay at the ICU but discharged instead because of her non-compliance.
Two nurses, a respiratory specialist, and a doctor warned me that Mom would likely die within the year if she returned to her old habits and way of living.
Two nurses, a respiratory specialist, and a doctor warned me that Mom would not live longer than a year or two if she did not use the oxygen compressor and tanks sent to her 24/7 as directed by the doctor.
If Mom continued smoking, she would likely need a tracheostomy soon.
While the statements made by various healthcare professionals were tough to hear, they were statements I heard the last time she was admitted to the ICU over ten years ago.
Mom also told me some things that were hard to hear:
"Don't get on my nerves... I will smoke again if I want."
"If you don't like what I do, get out of my house. I don't need you around."
"I don't need oxygen. The doctor doesn't know what she's talking about."
"[My primary doctor] isn't smart. He doesn't know what he's doing. I don't believe him when he talks."
"Why do I have to listen to what the nurse/doctor says when you're there to listen for me? That's your responsibility."
"I don't remember the nurse/doctor say that! Why are you lying? They talked too much. I wasn't listening."
"Smoking is my happiness in life. Not you. Not your brother."
"Do you see how the nurses care for me? Pay attention, because that's your responsibility to me when I get out of here."
"I don't need to take these [daily] prescriptions daily. They're as needed, and I don't always need it."
"I didn't know you loved me until you proved your love by staying with me in the ICU."
The last statement was tough for me to hear. I love my Mom despite us being complete opposites. I have always respected her, even if I did not agree with one of her beliefs, thoughts, or actions.
For many years, I accommodated her wants and needs. For example, if she wanted me to be at her house any given weekend, I was there no matter what. If she wanted to end a pricey vacation early because she got bored, then we packed up and left despite having more hotel nights I paid for.
Despite a potential nicotine allergy (never officially tested, but highly encouraged by my doctor to avoid staying at my Mom's house since it is the only time that I have allergic reactions), I continued stay multiple nights at my Mom's house because that was what she wanted. She wants me to stay multiple nights to keep her company.
When I worked in higher education and earned a decent salary, I used my excess money to plan vacations based on my Mom's preferences. Because my Mom loved gambling, I planned trips to places with casinos for her to spend time at.
I used to give her spending money directly, but it got annoying when she demanded more. I eventually snuck money into her purse behind her back, typically at least one thousand dollars for her to spend as she pleased.
Around six or seven years ago, I grew tired of my life. I was unhappy. I did not see the point of anything.
I gave up the things I was passionate about because it did not please my Mom. For example, I successfully sold my artistic creations in my early twenties. But because Mom yelled at me about getting a "real" job, I stupidly gave up on my passion to pursue degrees and a profession I did not truly care about.
I started regretting my life choices.
I felt like I messed up in life by not thinking about myself more. There was a point when I wanted to end it all, but I instead decided to make changes that involved putting myself first.
I started going on vacations I wanted to take. I still invited Mom, but she always declined because I did not pick places she liked (I hate casinos and gambling).
I started spending my savings on myself instead of giving it to my Mom as an allowance or gift. Mom complained that I was financially responsible for her and was failing as a daughter by not giving her money when she needed it more than me.
I started devoting more time to my hobbies and stopped visiting my Mom every other weekend. I started visiting once a month, still calling her every other day, but it was supposedly a sign that I did not love her enough.
It was around this time that Mom started calling me selfish, ungrateful, greedy, and more.
I believe my leaving my profession to once again follow my dreams as a "starving" artist (voluntary loss of financial security) led to the worst thing I heard following my Mom's hospital stay.
The Worst Statement I Heard This Month
While eating lunch with my Mom in her dining room, she reflected on her week in the ICU. She then admitted that she did not love me all that much until this year.
Before I proved my love by staying with her in the ICU, she regretted not having more children who loved her more than I did and catered to her needs and wants.
She did not love me much.
I cannot get that out of my mind. I cannot unhear the words she told me.
When colleagues heard stories about my Mom years ago, they always told me that my Mom did not truly love me based on how she treated me. Every time I tried to justify my Mom's actions or words, they would argue that Mom used me to get what she wanted in life because I was the only person who could tolerate her. (Mom admitted to this while she was in the ICU.)
I did not believe my colleagues. After all, most of them never met my Mom, so I could not understand why they quickly jumped to that conclusion based on some one-sided stories I shared during random 'water cooler' talks about parents.
However, there were a few colleagues who met Mom and suggested that I went low contact with her after witnessing how she spoke to me. Again, I could not understand why they would suggest that after just one meeting with my Mom.
Then last week, Mom told me that she did not love me much before her hospital stay. I cannot forget it.
My Dad reassured me that English is Mom's second language, and that she could not clearly say what she really meant. I should consider taking what Mom said with a grain of salt since it may not be what she meant to say. Perhaps he is right, but her words play on repeat in my mind.
What's Next?
Now that I bored you with my venting, I chose to put my attention on mindless video gaming. Hopefully there is nothing wrong with a short, temporary escape from reality and my confused thoughts.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
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