Feeling guilty about the times I lie.
I usually take pride in being an honest person, but there are times I will exaggerate the truth or tell a bold-faced lie. I am especially not an open book when it comes to sharing my feelings.
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
Lying About How I Feel
I do not normally share my feelings with others, especially when I am feeling anything other than happy. With the death of my first dog a few weeks ago, I expressed my sadness with a few people closest to me the days surrounding my dog's death.
Otherwise, I keep my feelings to myself. I was raised to hide my feelings to avoid burdening others. When I was a child, my Mom often told me that sharing my feelings was selfish and a cry for attention. Therefore, it is difficult for me to tell someone how I really feel at a given moment.
Everybody I encounter has their own problems in life they are struggling to deal with and manage. Why should I waste their time, even if just for a moment, with me telling them how frustrated, angry, anxious, scared, or depressed I feel? I do not want to bother others with my feelings and potentially make them feel any worse than they did on that day.
My Dad is the only person who knows how I truly feel any given day. This was not the case until he moved in with me five years ago. Now, I cannot hide much from him. He can usually see and tell that I am unhappy.
While I do not tell my friends when I am sad or frustrated, I believe they can tell based on the text messages we exchange. For example, if I start a conversation about my Mom, my friends usually guess that I am frustrated. Most of the time, they are not wrong.
With those three exceptions, nobody, not even close family members, truly know how I feel on a given day. I do not see the point in burdening them with the knowledge that I am feeling anything other than happy.
When I told my Mom five years ago that a doctor said that I had "moderate to severe depression," my Mom scoffed at the idea claiming that I will never know depression because I lived a perfect life. (Ha!)
I will continue to lie about how I feel when speaking with others. Again, I do not want to be a burden, especially to anybody I am not close to. I also do not want those that care to worry about how I am feeling emotionally.
Unless something drastic happens like when I lost my dog a few weeks ago, everyone will believe that I am doing OK. At least in this way, I am readily available to support them when they are having a bad day and need a pick-me-up.
Lying to Make Someone Laugh
Whenever I believe someone needs a pick-me-up, I tend to crack jokes with hopes of making them laugh. Sometimes I will tell a goofy story and exaggerate the truth for a bigger smile or laugh.
While some people do not believe storytelling or a small exaggeration of the truth is lying, I was always taught that anything I say that strays away from the truth is a lie.
While I hate lying, I will lie to make someone smile. I hate to see someone else unhappy. It bothers me more when I am also feeling unhappy. If I cannot feel happy, then I want others to feel that way. If I am successful at making someone at least smile, then I ultimately feel happier.
When I crack a joke or exaggerate a story, I make it unbelievably absurd. I want my friends, family members, and strangers to know that I am making up a part of what I am saying. I do not want them to accidentally believe in a lie or exaggerated truth. Instead, I want it known that I am desperately trying to make someone laugh to brighten their mood.
Lying to My Mom
Earlier, I mentioned that my Mom often told me that sharing my feelings was selfish and a cry for attention. Mom also taught me to "lie for good." To Mom, it is necessary to lie to protect your image from others. This always made me uncomfortable growing up.
A lot of times Mom tried to get me to lie on her behalf. I could not and still cannot lie to someone unless it is to make them laugh or avoid having them worry about my emotional state.
I always told the truth when Mom asked me to lie. When Mom learned what I did, because she always found out somehow, I was punished because I did not "lie for good" and did not do as she demanded. This always led to lectures about how I was a bad daughter.
Over the years, I started to believe Mom is a narcissist. Life revolves around her. My life should center around her as I discussed in my post about My Purpose In Life According To Mom. For example, when we talk about my Aunt whose health is diminishing following heart complications, the conversation's focus always shifts from my Aunt to my Mom.
When I told Mom about Shadow's death, she would not stop talking about how he only lived for her because he loved her. Seriously?! Shadow hated visiting Mom's house! Shadow only went because he hated being apart from me and followed me everywhere.
But if it makes Mom feel better to think that she is the central focus and reason for living in mine and my dogs' lives, then so be it. Even though Mom and I are dissimilar with differing views and beliefs, she is my Mom and I love her. I want her to be happy.
While I will not lie for Mom, I will lie to her if that is what it takes to make her happy and feel good about herself. This means I will not share my real feelings with her, and I will exaggerate the truth about a story I am telling to make her smile or laugh.
Depending on the situation, this also means I will lie to keep her from feeling bad. For example, much of Mom's cooking makes me ill due to health issues (stomach issues). However, I will eat small amounts of her food to please her and hide my stomach problems and pain when they surface.
Years ago, I told Mom that several doctors suggested I passed on some (not all) of her meals, specifically the ones that contained large amounts of MSG. I have a thin, damaged stomach lining due to prescription medication I was told to take as a teenager. I am sensitive to some ingredients and some medications.
For some reason, Mom took this as a personal attack claiming that I did not appreciate the labor and love that went into cooking. After months of explaining that it was not a personal attack but a preventative health measure, I realized she was set in her belief.
Nowadays when Mom feels obligated to cook for me, I eat a little bit if I know it will make me ill, tell Mom it tastes great like always, and mentally prepare for stomach pain later that day. Since I am also sensitive to some medications, I often deal with the pain and ride it out.
Sometimes I do not want to lie to Mom. At those times, I just keep my mouth shut. This is frequently the case when Mom wants to know if I share her opinions about something that I wholeheartedly disagree with or do not want to get involved in.
For example, Mom complains about her neighbor putting her own mother with Alzheimer’s in a nursing home. My Mom complains that her neighbor is a horrible daughter who refuses to take full responsibility of caring for and nursing her mother. In case you are wondering, no, Mom does not believe having a nurse visit the home daily to assist with a mother's care is suitable or appropriate when a daughter can do it all herself.
I am sad about her neighbor. I cannot imagine the emotional pain she deals with daily. It must be difficult to know that while her mother is physically present, her mother is mentally disconnected from her. I once heard this emotion referred to as "ambiguous loss."
Mom's neighbor works full-time (she is not a lazy bum like myself) and is unable to provide full-time care for her mother. Considering her mother's several health concerns and forgetfulness, I can see why she made the difficult decision to put her mother in a nursing home. She visits her mother frequently, but that is not good enough according to my Mom.
Mom believes the neighbor should have quit her job in search of a part-time job or any other position that permitted her to stay home all day. Because her neighbor is unmarried without children, it was a sign from God that her purpose in life is to care for her mother. Now Mom sees her neighbor as an ungrateful and selfish daughter.
Sometimes Mom brings up her neighbor and asks if I agree with her point of view. Since I do not agree with Mom's point of view regarding this situation that she should not be involved with, I would walk away and avoid her until she changes the subject. I know engaging in a debate would turn into her yelling at me for hours on end.
What's Next?
Now that I feel embarrassed and guilty after writing about the times I lie, I will spend some time drowning my feelings with music and crafts. If you are feeling bad about something you said or did today, why not take some time to clear your mind with a hobby this evening? Maybe you will be able to better focus on things that are bothering you afterwards.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
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