Guest post by Rascal, a chihuahua mixed breed small dog. Translated from Woof to English by Simply Jelly Jam.
My small dog, Rascal, was very vocal earlier today when a worker came to the house to address a tech issue with my internet connection. Rascal wanted me to share his frustration of this morning's event.
The Stranger Came
My personal assistant, the woman who essentially raised me to be the superior canine I am, slept in later than usual after cleaning the open living area well into the night. I commend her for putting in extra effort to ensure the floors were spotless for me to eat off, which I do anyway because the bowls are not worthy of holding my food.
When I woke this morning, I saw the bedroom door was closed shut. Usually, the door is partially opened so Shadow, best friend and mentor, can supervise our lazy security guard and ensure the premises were safe.
The security guard is a taller, older, masculine version of my assistant. Unlike my personal assistant who caters to my wants and needs, the security guard often disobeys my orders. Shadow insists we can't get rid of him because he's my personal assistant's personal assistant she calls "dad." But I digress.
Shadow informed me that the security guard told him we all needed to stay in the bedroom for a few hours. I couldn't understand why Shadow obeys someone less superior than him, but I didn't argue because I too wanted to sleep in.
Before I could fall back to sleep, the doorbell rang around 8:00 A.M. I waited for my assistant or Shadow to react, but they both managed to sleep through the ringing. I heard the security guard open the door without my permission. He greeted the stranger and - would you believe it - invited the stranger into the house!
I immediately yelled at the security guard for putting our lives in grave danger. I told him he was incompetent and had no disregard for the safety of my house and those of us who lived in it.
As I let the security guard know by yelling through the closed door that I would fire him if he continued to disobey his orders, my assistant told me, "Be quiet. Everything's OK. There's nothing to be scared of."
Scared? I wasn't scared. I was outraged! I proceeded to repeatedly jump on her stomach. 'Get up, you ignorant assistant! The security guard is putting our lives in danger!! We need to stop him and get rid of the stranger who invaded my house!!!'
My assistant screamed, "Get off of my stomach you crazy rat! That hurts!" I thought she came to her senses. I thought she went to the indoor potty break area to change into her menacing clothes. I thought she was going to storm out of the bedroom door and together we would chase away the stranger and scold the security guard. I thought wrong.
Yes, she came out of the indoor potty break area dressed in a new change of clothes. However, she sat at her desk and proceeded to slap her fingers on the metal folding book. She told me to be quiet and relax while she answered emails and do other stuff unrelated to my care and well-being.
I was dumbfounded by her inactions to restore order in my house. I sat on the bed searching for a solution to her ignorance. Was she being mind-controlled? Was she secretly working for someone other than me? Was she frightened? Was she just that stupid?
I felt like a prisoner in my own house. A mutiny was underway, and my best friend was too lazy to put a stop to it. I've always trusted Shadow to do the right thing, but his loyalty as my best friend wasn't being demonstrated this morning.
The Stranger was Threatened
The security guard stopped talking to the stranger. It got quiet for a while. I thought, 'Finally, the security guard got rid of the stranger.' I watched and waited for the bedroom door to open so I could rightfully rule my house.
Then I heard footsteps above me. I stared at the ceiling but realized I've yet to develop the ability to see through the walls. I listened carefully. The footsteps stopped, but different noises started. The stranger was moving into the room above my head!
I yelled at my personal assistant to say or do something. She said, "We're going to stay in the bedroom until the work outside is done. I don't want you barking at the technician." What did she mean by "barking?"
Then it donned on me. I shouldn't have yelled at the security guard. The security guard was probably in danger, taken hostage by the stranger. Instead, I should've yelled at the stranger. I needed to "bark" orders at the stranger to leave.
I jumped up onto all four paws and barked orders above me. "Get out of my house, you heathen! You are not welcomed here!! Leave or there will be consequences!!!"
My assistant yelled, "Shh! Be quiet and stop that." Finally! She recognized the danger we faced and joined me in threatening the stranger. Her support encouraged me to yell louder and faster. She continued to yell along with me. Together we told the stranger, "Shut up! Cut it out! Why, I ought to!"
However, our brave and loud efforts weren't enough to chase the stranger away. He continued to make noises above me and periodically came down to threaten the security guard. A part of me worried for the safety of the security guard, but another part of me knew he got what he deserved for allowing a stranger into my house.
After a few minutes, my assistant stopped yelling along with me and said, "I give up." She's weak minded. I thought about biting her ankle, but instead I recruited help from the only household member I trusted.
I pounced on Shadow's butt. Shadow jumped up in bed and yelled at me. My assistant exclaimed, "Hey!" I looked Shadow in the eyes and said, "Hey, my brother, we need to work together to protect our homestead. The security guard is rendered useless, and the assistant lost her mind. We need to threaten the stranger who poses a danger to us both."
Shadow agreed with me. He is wise beyond his years and has more sense than the other expendables in the house. He stepped off the bed, walked over to the closed bedroom door, and proceeded to yell at the security guard. I continued yelling at the stranger.
Together, we encouraged my assistant to resume yelling. "Oh no, not you, too!" I felt empowered. "Stop it already! For crying out loud! I swear to goodness!"
That was it! I needed to swear more! Swearing was a great way for me to ramp up my meanness. I wanted the stranger to know I wasn't joking! I wasn't going to take his invasion lightly. He was going to answer to my authority or face severe consequences.
I was certain our efforts to yell collectively at our threat would prove successful. But alas, it didn't seem to be the case for a few more hours.
The Stranger FINALLY Left
Yelling is a tiring activity. I would rest my throat for a short while before swearing and yelling threats at the stranger. Yet, he continued to make noises above me and periodically torture the security guard. I knew the security guard was being tortured because he would make a weird noise. My assistant insisted he was laughing, but it sounded more like a duck choking after eating too fast and not chewing properly.
When I started to lose all hope, the bedroom door opened. I tried to make a run for freedom, but the security guard blocked me. He told my assistant there was noise in this room that kept the internet from working properly and the cable box needed to be removed. Before I knew it, a little black box was removed from the bedroom.
The security guard took the box from my assistant and closed the bedroom door behind him. He and the stranger exchanged words as the entry door to the house opened. It turned out the box was a ransom payment the stranger needed in exchange for something called "reliable internet."
I heard the front door to my house open and a set of footsteps heading out. The front door then closed, and the bedroom door opened.
I hesitated to run out in fear of being blocked again. Were they planning a mutiny? Fortunately, no. This time around the security guard informed me that it was OK to go out. I walked out of the bedroom to assess the inside of my house for damages and stolen items. Everything seemed to check out.
I then headed to the outdoor potty area and assessed the area. Things were good. The stranger left things as they were. Since the security guard was worthless and incompetent, I proceeded to leave a trail of crappy booby traps leading from the back door of the house to the back gate in case the stranger decided to return later tonight.
The morning was filled with stress, struggle, and uncertainty. I couldn't settle on my couch throne at ease. I proceeded to whimper and cry following the emotional turmoil my subjects let me endure.
My personal assistant picked me up, held me in her arms, and kissed my forehead. She reassured me that I was a "good boy." I will forgive her and allow her to continue serving me since she has the power to make me feel special and superior.
What's the "Real" Deal with this Weird Post?
Honestly, I've hit a creative slump and writer's block recently. This "guest" post was me being goofy to stick with my scheduled Tuesday/Thursday post uploads.
I enjoyed writing this weird post today and hope you enjoyed it, too. If this post didn't leave you confused and concerned for my sanity, leave a like (heart button below) to let me know if you wouldn't mind reading more guest posts from my dogs.
What's Next?
I'm not sure what I'll share next, but it'll either be Shadow's perspective of today's events or a creative project I've been working on.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam
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